Prompt 59 - Bathroom Humor

Have you ever pooped your pants? This isn't a joke. Really! Have you ever dropped a deuce in your knickers? You probably won't admit it, but I bet you have. All of us have likely, at one point or another, soiled our drawers. And I'm not talking about when you were in diapers. I'm talking about grown men and women doing what only babies and the incontinent do. You might have had a little to much Tabasco on that taco. Or maybe a roller coaster ride that went up and down a little to fast for your bowels to bear. Whatever it was, it probably wasn't pretty. But you don't have to live in the shadows any longer like some gravy thief. Today we exorcise some demons.

I'm sorry. Is this to gross and immature for your refined, one percenter tastes? Do I offend you and your penchant for sophisticated oratory and traditional literature? Well deal with it. Your distaste for the subject is a clear sign that you yourself have, in fact, pooped in your pants and you would care to forget the incident. You are far too transparent.

A friend of mine seemed to be almost proud of his number two tragedy as he iterated it to me one day, a huge grin on his face. He told he had been in a local pizza place eating with some friends. They were doing a little crop dusting on the people sitting around them when things went terribly awry. On his final attempt, he tried to fart and felt a little extra something sneak out. He didn't get up, however. He was afraid that whatever had happened, it might “happen” right down his leg if he stood up. So he just sat there until he was certain it was safe to abscond, his friends laughing the whole time.

It reminds me of a famous pant soiling episode that was unfortunately brought to America's attention when famous weatherman and Today Show anchor, Al Roker, confessed to his own diarrhea debacle. On live TV, Roker said that on a visit to the White House, he was walking down a hallway alone and felt that he had to fart. Now at this point I was thinking “terrorism!” Al said that he let one loose and accidentally pulled the brownies out of the oven before they were done. (My words, not his). He said that he ran to the nearest bathroom and unloaded the irreparably damaged underwear into the White House waist basket. Can you imagine the surprise the cleaning lady got the next day! He went commando for the remainder of his presidential visit. Al, however, has a “condition.” What was my excuse?

I was at school and in class. My stomach suddenly began to churn like an Amish butter maker. I tried to wait and just let it subside but sometimes the trash has to go out before the bag is full if you know what I mean. I asked to go to the bathroom and shimmied out the door and down the hallway with my butt clenched like a coke head at a drug bust. I made it to the bathroom and slammed the stall door and prayed that no one else would walk in. Like our friend Al, I had a clean up on aisle two. I did the best I could to repair the sail but this ship was going to have to stay away from the shoals if you know what I mean. It has happened a few times since but has been in the comfort of my own home, where a fresh pair of underpants is a dryer sheet away and there is no fear of a rickety stall door separating you from a very embarrassing nickname. My excuse? Crohns. It's the best explanation I can muster.

We have all done it. It's like slipping on ice. It's funny when it happens to some grandma, but when its your nana, not so much. But we don't have to be ashamed anymore that we may have fed the fish once or twice in a movie theater or a church service. It's OK. Al Roker said so. So don't be afraid to share your elimination expositions. Exorcise those demons and be free of the shame. Let that flag wave high. Just make sure it is cleaned first.