The Boy Band Apocalypse

I was talking to a friend at work yesterday about a disturbing trend in the America today, and the world at large. An unrivaled calamity that will be our ruin if we don't take preventative measures now. You wanna talk about those forgetting the past being doomed to repeat it? Has everyone in this country collectively received a lobotomy operation and I missed the boat? There are things happening in this nation that are disconcerting at best, and blood-curdlingly horrifying at worst. In the words of AC-DC, there is no longer one way to the top if you wanna rock and roll. I am, of course, referring to the Phoenix-like reemergence of the boy band.

What are we doing people? I thought we killed this thing off last decade?

First I witnessed a relentless ad campaign structured to make the new teen boy band “One Direction” (creative name huh?) the new thing in music. Is this how bands have always become popular? Multimillion dollar ad blitz's? Now I have nothing against capitalism. In fact I love it so much I want to marry it. But, come, on. I saw these commercials desecrate my TV not but a year ago. And yesterday I saw One Direction albums all over Wal Mart and little girls with the bands cute little faces printed all over their shirts. Where did this band come from anyways?

And then there was the news that the Backstreet Boys were getting back together. Oh my. Where is my favorite metal record?! Quick!

And finally the death knell sounded in the comfort of my home a few nights ago, destroying what would have otherwise been a delightful evening. A Foxwoods Resort commercial peddling a massive concert for a band I had never heard of in my life. “Wanted” or something. I tried to forget. I mean, there were videos of this boy band abomination singing in front of crowds of thousands. Thousands! Who are these people? They sounded good. But it is a boy band. They are chronically doctored to not only sound great, but look great; inevitably stealing the hearts of tween girls who think they might have a chance.

You might think to yourself (or say out loud if your a little outspoken), “your just jealous.” Well maybe a little. But only because there is no rhyme or reason the stardom that these bands achieve. And I use that word , achieve, loosely.

The problem is that in our culture. If a little girl thinks the boy is hot, and if through the TV he winks at them personally in the middle of a music video, they are spellbound. Good music or not. But if all of their friends think that all of their friends think that these boys are hot, then they are like crack addicts locked in a Colombian underground chem lab. It is about over saturation of the airwaves. Make it seem as if everybody loves the band, and everyone will.

I, for one, see what is coming. I desolate, moon-like landscape of music. You might as well cut my ears off now. The first round of this debacle was tragedy. But the newest incarnation is just farce. It ain't in the Bible, but this has to be a sign of Christ's return. The boy band apocalypse is upon us.